I have fallen in love with a person. That is one damn strange thing makes me surprise about myself. I wonder if that were truly love. The only thing I know that I have the strong feeling of possession toward that person, and sometimes that ridiculous feeling even makes me dizzy in guilt. I can’t stop thinking about that person. Just a smile, a sound, a thought,...I want them all! I want them all belong to me, only to me but no one else. I know for sure that that person doesn’t think like that about me at all. But I still hope that someday I will become one of the closest person to that person. And I even accept the possition that will never let me have even the smallest chance to hold that person in my arms, confess my crazy love and make that person mine forever.

I have been trying so hard just to stay close to that person, and I still continue to feeling the pain of this loneliness. I have never known what that person had been through before met me and I doubt that I will ever know. What makes you so insecure but also calm and mature like that? The wall of thrones you built around yourself makes me lonely and worry at the same time. Well, I will very happy that you are on the alert with everybody because somehow that let me have the feeling that I’m special. But, the calm of yours points out clearly that I still haven’t walked through that wall yet. And now, when expressing those feeling into words, I’m hating myself for promised that I will wait for you to confess little by little to me at the same time. I know that I have been waiting for 2 years, but, dear, I’m losing faith! All I ask is your trust, no more. But you have never trusted me, haven’t you?

I’m selfish, stupid and possesive. I’m not positive at all! I always in depression. I just don’t want anyone to know my true lonely self, so I put on a lot of damn masks, and they are slowly begining to become my habit. I know you are like that too . We both scare what life and people will do to us, so we hide ourselves  in the castle of heart to avoid getting hurt. But the first time in my life, dear, I want to tell you about myself, tell you what I never dare to tell anyone. I want you to see all my bad side that I have been hiding them behind the mask for so, so long. Of course, I desire to see yours too. I want to know about you, everything! This is love – my first and my special love. This is the love will never become true.

I have been dreaming about a small house where we live together. Me with my partner, and you with your lover. I want to have a small library, lots of book, your meals, your smiles and your happiness. I want to wake up every morning and see you stand beside our small kitchen making breakfast for me and your lover. I will happy if you are happy with your true other half, even when that will crush my heart into pieces. I want to stand beside you, help you build up your dream cake shop and offset what you had lost in the past. I want to share the burden, the hurt, the upset and the depression you have to carry almost everyday. I want to have a good smoke when you sit beside me, letting yourself relax. I want you, I want them all, and I’m still trying every second to deny the love which I know it will never be responded. At the same time, I’m trying getting closer to you everyday! And I’m losing myself.

Dear!

I’m sacred! The effort I put on you are slowly become the habits. I’m scared of this habits because it makes me miserable. I’m drowning in my own darkest hole and how hilarious that I still want you to be happy. I want to be one part of your picture. And the thing I’m afraid of the most is after such long peace time you will see my effort and my feeling as some kind of habits!  I never, ever want to lose you, but, damn, I have the feeling that I’m losing you because my encouragement is going to break someday! I don’t want it! Just one, respond me, show that you do care about me? Just one, and I’m happy just stand in your shadow and be your slave forever! I only want to be your friend!

Please? Will you?